OK, I had to do this one. It’s actually a three parter.
A guy gets a job at one of those new Costco/Sam’s Club type stores that sells everything from paperclips to motor homes. The boss tells him that his salary will be based on commission, so he’d better make lots of sales.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to him and asks how many sales he made. “Well, I only made one sale today”, was they guy’s response.
“One sale in eight hours? That’s it? You’re going to starve to death if you only make one sale a day! Let’s check the sale.” He punches up the guy’s one sale on the computer and finds out that the value of that one sale was over 50,000 dollars.
The boss’ jaw hits the floor, and he says, “well, it seems I owe you an apology. Look at all this fishing gear you sold. How did you do it?”
The new salesman says “well, I started off by selling him the one fishing lure. Then the guy told me his fishing line was really old, so I sold him some new fishing line. Then he said that his rod was the same one that he had when he was a kid, so I sold him a brand new graphite rod with a top-of-the-line reel. Then I told him there’s no way he was going to catch any fish just fishing from the dock, so I sold him a new boat with an inboard motor, along with a trailer to go with it. And finally, since he only has a Dodge Neon, I told him he’d need an SUV to tow it, so I sold him a new Ford Explorer.”
The boss says “that’s amazing how you can get someone to buy an Explorer just by starting with a fishing lure.” Then the boss’ face suddenly contorted into a look of bizarre puzzlement as he asked “but what’s with this box of tampons? Why did you sell him those?”
The guy says “well, he originally came in here to buy them for his wife, and I told him, ‘well, your weekend’s fucked, so you might as well go fishing!’”
*** part 2 ***
Needless to say, after only a few months of sales like this, the guy is promoted to manager of the store. He hires a new guy and teaches him the art of selling up. They approach a man in the home and garden department who is looking at some lawn seed. He decides to keep his tutorial simple, so he says that he’ll only sell one thing more to the customer.
“I see you’re looking at buying some lawn seed, sir. May I interest you in a new lawnmower? This is the latest model and it’s on sale this week.”
The guy says “well, I’m just planting my lawn. I won’t need a new mower for a few months yet.”
“True, but you are going to need a mower eventually, and while this particular type of grass looks beautiful, it’s also hell on any lesser lawnmower. Now, this model is 20 percent off, but only this week. If you don’t buy now, you’re going to lose out.”
“Hmm, good point. I’ll take the lawnmower too.”, says the guy.
"The manager looks to his new salesman and says “OK, you go ahead. Give it a try.”
The pair then walk toward the pharmacy department where they see a woman buying a box of tampons. The new salesman says “I see you’re buying tampons today. Would you like to buy a lawnmower? We have the latest model on sale this week at 20 percent off”.
The woman looks flabbergasted and says “why the HELL would I want to buy a lawnmower?”
The young salesman says “well, you’re not going to be fucking, so you might as well mow the lawn”.
*** Part 3 ***
The new salesman’s track record very quickly went from horrible to abominable. But the manager of the store wanted to give the kid one last chance before he tossed him out on his ass. So he put him in the pharmacy and gave him the simplest job.
“OK kid, here’s the deal. All you have to do is ask the customer what their symptoms are, then look them up on the computer. The computer will then tell you what medicine to sell to the customer. That’s it. Simple. Now, if you screw up again, you’re history. You got me?”
The guy says “OK. Thanks for giving me the chance”
About 20 minutes later, the manager sees a guy buying a box of laxatives from the new salesman. He rips the box open and takes the whole bottle in a single gulp. As he’s walking out the door, the manager can see the guy doubled over holding his stomach as his face goes white as a sheet with panic.
The manager says “Uhmm, Joe? Did you tell that man to take a whole bottle of laxatives?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Joe! Even if you have the worst case of constipation in the world, you only need two at most. Why did you tell him to take the whole bottle?”
“The guy wasn’t constipated. He had a cough”, said Joe.
“What in God’s name did you tell him to take a box of laxatives for if he has a cough?”
“Just look at him,” the kid replied. “He’s so afraid of shitting his pants he’s too scared to cough now!”
