lmao
Penis Tan
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”
The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”
The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on their 40th. wedding anniversary. The husband yells, " When you die, I am getting you a headstone that reads, Here lies my wife-Cold as Ever" “Yeah” she replied, " When you die, I am getting you a headstone that reads, Here lies my husband, Stiff at Last"
LMAO 
What’s old, huge, wrinkly, grey and sings jazz in the Jungle?
Elephants Gerald.
What’s grey and comes in quarts?
Elephants.
So I was absolutely flabergasted when I asked the Rabbi to buy my son’s gift for when he went off to college and he handed me a wallet!
He said, “Wallet? Why I made it entirely out of foreskins, you just rub it and it turns into luggage!”
There was a young IRS auditor who was trying his damndest to make his career by nailing as many people as he could for improper deductions. One day he was auditing a synagogue, but the rabbi there was just too smart for him.
“Ok, Rabbi. I see here that you have made deductions for $2500 worth of holy candles last year. What do you do with the melted wax?”
The rabbi says “we are a very frugal temple. We collect the wax and send it to the candle maker, and every year or so he sends us a free box of candles.”
The auditor goes back to scanning the documents, and says “well, here you made deductions for $1200 worth of holy biscuits. What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Well, like I said we are frugal here. We collect the crumbs and send them to the baker and about once a year they send us a dozen free biscuits.”
The auditor was getting flustered now, but then he suddenly got an idea. “You perform circumcisions here. What do you do with the foreskins?”
“Here too, we do not waste”, said the rabbi. “We collect them and send the to the IRS and about once a year they send us a complete dick!”
Here’s 2 lame ones…!
1) One nite an 87 year old woman comes home from Bingo and finds her 93 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and pushed him off the balcony of their 20th. floor apartment. He was killed instantly. Brought before the court on murder charges, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began cooly and replied, “Yes, your honor, I thought if at 93 he could have sex, then for sure he could fly.”
2) Tired of a listless sex life, a husband asked his wife after another nite of crappy sex," How come I never know if you have an orgasm?". She glanced at him and replied, " You’re never home".
First Class Blonde 
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beatiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit.”
What’s the difference between men and women talking dirty to each other?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.99 a minute.
A wife went to see a therapist and said, " I’ve got a big problem. Everytime we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell!" “My dear”, the shrink replies, " that is totally natural, I don’t see what the problem is" . “The problem is”, the wife complained, " he WAKES me up !!"
A man at a cafe with his young son gets annoyed with his whining and gives the kid some change to play with. THe kid promptly puts three nickels in his mouth, swallows them and starts choking.
So the guy leaps up, grabs the kid an uses the Heimlich maneuver. The kid spits out one nickel but he’s starting to turn blue. The guy bends him over the table and whacks him and out comes another nickel. But the kid is starting to go limp. The man starts to panic.
A woman in the next booth calmly walks over, yanks down the kid’s pants and squeezes his nuts. The kid gasps and starts to struggle, then she just winds down and clamps as hard as she can. The kid spits out the last nickel and starts breathing again.
“Than you very much! You must be a Doctor or a nurse”, says Dad.
The woman looks at him and says, “No I’m with Revenue Canada.” and goes back to her coffee.
A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV”
“No”
“Why not?”
"Because you’re a blonde."
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?”
“No”
“Why not?”
"You’re a blonde."
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“You’re a blonde”
“How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!”
“Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”
A man and his wife are arguing about how much money they spend each month. The man turns to his wife and says “You spend far too much money on clothes. Look at this! $80.00 for a bra? I don’t know why you bother wearing one, you’ve got nothing to put in it!”
The wife looks at her husband and says “you wear pants don’t you?”
There’s an old couple sitting in the living room of their home listening to the radio. A faith healer comes on and says “by the power of God Almighty, I can heal you. Praise Jesus! If you want to be healed, put one hand on your radio, put one hand on what you want healed, and say ‘I believe in the holy healing power of Jesus. Hallelujah!’”
So the old lady reaches over, puts one hand on her radio, puts one hand on her tired old heart and says “I believe in the holy healing power of Jesus. Hallelujah!”
Her husband says to himself, “well, what the hell can I lose?”, reaches over, puts one hand on the radio, sneaks one hand down his lap and bellows out “I believe in the holy healing power of Jesus. Hallelujah!”
His wife looks over at him and says “Al, he said he could heal, not raise the dead!”
Two old ladies sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
One says to the other, "Mabel, what do you do when you get sexually excited?"
Mabel says, "I suck on a lifesaver"
The other woman thinks for a minute then asks, “And who drives you
to the beach?”
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist how much it is for a box of condoms. The pharmacist says “It’s $10.95 for a pack of 12, plus six cents for the tax.”
The blonde says “Aah, I see. I always wondered how they kept those things on.”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartenders asks “Why the long face”?
What do you call 5 guys and one girl, all with no arms and no legs…?
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Baranne.
Might be one even Leterman wouldn’t tell:
How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
With a crow bar!
A guy starts his new job at an adult shop. After a few hours, the owner says to the new guy “I have to go out for about an hour or so. Can you handle the place by yourself?”
The guy says “No problem,” and sits back to wait for some customers to come in.
About ten minutes later a redhead walks in and says “how much for that white dildo on the shelf?”
“Fifty dollars”, the guy replies.
“How much for the black one?”, the redhead asks?
“Sixty dollars”
“Well, I’m not paying an extra ten bucks just for a different colour, so I’ll take the white one.” She buys it and leaves.
About twenty minutes later, a brunette walks in and says “how much for that white dildo on the shelf?”
“fifty dollars”, the guy replies.
“How much for the black one?”, the brunette asks?
“Sixty dollars”
“Well, the black one looks really sexy, so I’ll take it.” She buys it and leaves.
Then about fifteen minutes later a blonde walks in and asks “how much are your dlidos?”
The guy says “the white one is fifty dollars, sixty for the black one”.
“How much for that big plaid one under the counter?”, the blonde asks.
“Oh, that’s a very special dildo. That’s going to set you back a hundred and sixty dollars.”
“OK. I’ll take it. I’ve never had a plaid dildo before”. She buys it and leaves.
When the boss comes back, he asks how the guy did. The guy answers, “great. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold my thermos for a hundred and sixty dollars”.