A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert… After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess…”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it’s affecting his cardiovascular system. He’s a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don’t do the following four things, your husband will surely die”.
“First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”
“Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”
“Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.”
“Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.”
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, “So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?”
A woman is like a tender loving Angel, who flits about on her wings making your day better.
Clip those wings and the bitch has a broom for backup. Caveat emptor.
An middle aged couple at home getting ready for bed. The woman sitting in front of her mirror says " I hate getting old, my hair’s turning grey, I’m getting wrinkles, my breasts are sagging."
The husband says, “well honey look at the bright side… At least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
So this guy who has been married to the same woman for a few years and has been kept away from most of his male friends. His buddy comes over to see him and tells him of this Stag Party tomorrow night , he says the wife will not let him go. So his buddy says , if she says no then begin to pull off all these martial art moves around her and say if she will not let him go he will destroy the furniture , she grabs him by the balls and says " Grasshopper when you can snatch these pebbles from my hand then you can go ".