Horrorscope


#1

Halloween’s coming! Add your Horrorscopes:

HORRORSCOPE:

The plastic shield on your electric razor will crack and the blades will chew through your face like a snowblower. Lucky your Canadian, the 560 stitches needed to close the wound will be free. Unfortunately everything else is classified ‘elective surgery’ and children will run screaming whenever they see you until you come up with $260,000 for that American Clinic.

You will get your chance to sing in the Community Spring Play, but the cabbage lunch they feed you will inflict painful gas. You’ll let a really loud one rip during your solo, with the spotlight on you.

While fixing that broken china with crazy glue, you will sneeze. When you automatically wipe yourself, your finger will slide up your left nostril all the way to your wrist and get stuck, forever.


#2

im staying away from super glue.

and i cant sing so in your face no fart solo.

and I dont shave so im all good.


#3