Joke time

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1

A duck walks into a bar.

He walks over to the bartender and asks, “Got bread?”.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Sorry,no.”

The duck asks again, “Got bread??”.

The bartender replies (a little more emphatically), “No, I have NO bread.”

The duck asks again, “Got bread???”

The bartender is getting a little red in the face now and he snarls back, "No, NO BREAD!!’

The duck asks again, “Got bread?”

Livid now, the bartender leans over the bar and yells,"NO, I HAVE NO DAMNED BREAD AND IF YOU DON’T SHUT ABOUT THE DAMNED STUFF I SWEAR I’M GOING TO NAIL YOUR DAMNED BEAK SHUT TO THE DAMNED BAR!!!’.

The duck takes a step back and then asks, “Got nails??”

The bartender replies, “No, I don’t have nails either!!”

The duck asks, “Got bread??”

:smiley:

2

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-
gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks
after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how
best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last
Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s
office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right
then and there!”

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That’s pretty much my
story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose
and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot
of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put
on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,
a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got
home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?’”

3

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation ’

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’

4

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

5

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to  be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send  me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the  old saying-‘Those who CAN, DO; those who can’t, teach.’

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew he had the order, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able  to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how,  but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren’t clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product. he just wasn’t sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was  talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to  do was . . .-God I miss him!

So now I’ve married you, and I’m really excited."

“Why is that?” asked the lawyer.

“Well, it should be obvious!  You’re a lawyer!!  I just know I’m going to get screwed this time!”

6

Part One:

Three women were hanging out at an uptown bar sipping cosmopolitans and gabbing on about their love lives.  Eventually, they decided to play a game, where they would choose which soft drink name would best describe their husbands.

Laura said “well for Paul, it would have to be Seven-up.  Because he’s got seven inches, and he’s always up for it.”

Meghan was next.  "For my Steve, it’s easy: Mountain Dew.  Cos he’s built like a mountain and he always wants to do it.

Laura looked over at their other friend and said, “Okay, Sarah.  your turn.”

Sarah said “I’d have to go with Jack Daniels.”

“Jack Daniels?”, said Meghan.  “But that’s a hard liquor.”

“That’s my Jimmy!”

Part two

Meanwhile, across town at a sports bar, the three husbands in question were slamming tequila shots while they were waiting for the third period of the hockey game to start, and started talking about the little “tricks” they had to drive their women crazy in bed.

Paul said "I’m kind of an old-fashioned, meat-and-potatoes guy, you know. But I find that when I blow in Laura’s ear after she comes, it really gets her going.

A few high-fives later, Steve spoke up.  “I’ve always been into Eastern stuff, like acupuncture and the Kama Sutra and stuff.  And I’ve found this one little pressure point along the spine, where if I touch it at just the right time, whoa baby!  It sure sends Meghan over the moon!”

“OK, Jimmy, your turn!”

Jimmy said, “well, after I’m through makin love to Sarah, whenever she catches me wiping my dick on the curtains she hits the fuckin roof!”