Joke Time--Place your jokes here

An old woman is riding an elevator in a very lavish St. John’s building when two young and
beautiful women get on, smelling of expensive perfume.

The little old woman says, “My, what nice aromas”!

One young woman turns to the old woman and
says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"
The other young and beautiful woman also arrogantly turns to the old woman
saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

The little woman is feeling insulted by the remarks made to her.

3 floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to
get off the elevator.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says… “
Cabbage… 49 cents a pound.”

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks " Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. 
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…'
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
’'What’s so special about it?'
The guy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies,
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The guy smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’

Did you here the reports out of Gander Nfld.

A four seater Cessna plane has crashed into the local graveyard.

Officials say they have recovered 285 bodies, and will continue until all the bodies have been found.

    if a firefighters buisness can go up in smoke, and a plumbers buisness can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off ?  :unamused:

So a young man decides to go camping one afternoon
He grabs his pup tent and a case of twelve, then heads out of town
He finds a nice spot on a hillside and decides to set up tent
Drinks about five beer before climbing into tent
next morning he sits outside his tent and tackles the remaining seven
He admires this little creek a ways down the hillside
Spotting a group walking in a row towards the creekside
Everyone is being dunked in, so he decides this seems like fun and he heads down
Suddenly he is at the head of the group near waters edge
A preacher standing in the water says "Do you wish to find Jesus?"
He says yeah feeling no pain
After being dunked in the preacher says " Have you seen Jesus"
The camper says no are you sure this where he went in?

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.  She stands next to the barber chair, while he dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.  The barber says to her “sweetheart, your going to get hair on your twinkie.”  she says “yes, i know, and i’m going to get boobs, too.”

Two old guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.  They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. 

One says to the other, “Wow, that’s some hole.  I can’t even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is.â€

Two guys walk into a bar…

…you’d think one of them would have seen it.  :unamused:

Heard the one about the dislexic guy that walks into a bra…

…what about the seal walked into a club.

It should read:  …what about a seal walking into a club

Heard the one about the dislexic guy that walks into a bra…

Or the acronym,D.A.M.  (Mothers Against Dyslexia)[/quote]

Or the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

Q- What did the zen monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A- Make me one with everything.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith. The midget.”

What’s the difference between men and women talking dirty to each other?
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harrassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.99 a minute.

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and ask Him to forgive me”

Author unknown