I was so bored, I decided to actually respond to a piece of spam. Specifically, one of those “Nigerian 419 scams” that you’ve no doubt received over the years. They are, after all, quite well written, are they not?
So just for kicks, I’ve decided to send you the original mail I got, and my response. I’ve already sent it, but for future references, are there any additions anyone would care to make to the response?
Princess Ajana email@example.com wrote:
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 23:49:09 +0300
From: Princess Ajana
Subject: CRY FOR HELP
Good Day and Compliments,
I am writing this letter in confidence believing that
if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my
family, God almighty will bless and reward you
abundantly. My family and I are true Christians and
worship’s God truthfully. I got your contact through
Internet during my research on some one who could help
I am a female student from University of Dakar,Senegal.
I am 16yrs old. I’d like any person who can be
caring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have
a long-term relationship with you and to know more
about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation
with you in time coming if you can be able to help me
in this transaction.
Well, my fathers died some few months ago and left
my mother I and my junior brother behind. He was a
king, which our town citizens titled him before his
death. I was a Princess to him and I and my brother
are the only people who can take Care of his wealth
now because my mother is not literate enough to know
all my father’s wealth behind.
He left up to USD 27, 350, 000.00 dollars (TWENTY
SEVEN MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US
DOLLARS) with a security company, and I don’t know how
and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in
abroad, so that my father’s kindred will not take over
what belongs to my father and our family, which they
were planning to do without my present because I am a
female as stated by our culture in the town. That is
why I felt happy when I saw your contact which I
strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will
help me secure and invest this money. I thereby need
your help in bringing the box contaning the money out
from the security company, based on your reply I will
furnish you with more details on how we can proceed.
I am ready to pay 30% of the total amount to you if
you help us in securing this money and another 10%
interest of Annual Income to you, for handling
this business for us, which you will strongly have
absolute control over.
If you can handle this project sincerely and also
willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly
reach me and I will let you know the next step to
take towards actualizing this transaction as quickly
Please, note that this transaction is 100% risk free.
I look forward hearing from you soonest.
Miss Princess Ajana
My Dear Princess
I am truly flattered and honoured that you would choose me to help you in the matter that you mentioned in your recent e-mail message to me. I certainly do not like to see people suffer unnecessarily, and I would certainly like to do everything I can to help.
However, there is a problem which I believe must be addressed. You said that you and your family are “true Christians” who “worship’s God truthfully,” and that you are “writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly.”
Unfortunately my dear princess, I am not a Christian. In fact, I am a Satanist. I believe that our Lord Satan is the true master over the universe, and that he will one day call my Satanic brethren together to rise up and destroy the evil entity whom Christians call their God.
So you can see my dear princess how I cannot help you, for you represent everything that I am fighting against.
But we Satanists also believe that we should help people too. We are not evil, no matter what your priests and ministers might say. We are the good guys. We love flowers and bunnies and pretty fluffy clouds just like you. The only difference is that we also like to make bloody sacrifices and burn them as a tribute to our lord Lucifer. That doesn’t make us evil, because we still love bunnies.
So here is what I propose. Become a Satanist. Join our order. You can still love all those pretty things that live and frolic on this earth. All it takes is a few animal sacrifices from time to time to make sure that Satan doesn’t smite you. And a sacrifice is not an act of hate. It is an act of love. Because you will be re-uniting the souls of those pretty animals with our lord and ruler. You can be an agent of love and of Satan at the same time!
If you can prove your worth to me and to my lord Satan, I will consider helping you.
Bartholemew Lucas Zaccariah Bub